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Absolutely Not
30 episodes
Bonus: Heathers Stick Together with Heather Shaw
Ep 399 · Aug 14, 2026 · 1 hr 21 min
On this bonus episode, Heather welcomes Heather Shaw to the studio. Shaw is most known for her uncanny Jim Carrey impression and being vegan and sober. These two outspoken broads chat about if that was really Jim on the carpet a few months ago, the illuminati and other conspiracies. She is currently on the road and you can watch her special, Alright, See Ya!, on Youtube. Episode Sponsors: To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to MINTMOBILE.com/ABSOLUTELY. Visit…
Rush Hour
Ep 398 · Aug 13, 2026 · 1 hr 14 min
On this episode, Heather has just come back from an Ole Miss visit and is flying high from Rush work week. She is feeling nostalgic helping a friend’s kid move into the dorms, getting roped into Rush Tok, and figuring out that parents these days just love their kids more. Episode Sponsors: Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to Quince.com/absolutely. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. …
Home Goods High
Ep 397 · Aug 5, 2026 · 60 min
On this episode, Heather is feeling the stress of “back to school”, and per usual she didn’t do her summer reading. She gets her energy out with Robin at a Home Goods that would convince any non shoppers to try it out. Voicemails from teachers, that first workout back, why everything has protein and what is up with asking for a coast lawyer. Episode Sponsors: Head to https://www.squarespace.com/absolutely to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code absolutel…
Gout Girl
Ep 396 · Jul 29, 2026 · 1 hr 15 min
On this episode, Heather is hitting summer hard, but paying for it. We learn what the Doctor has diagnosed her with, the feelings seeing a Noah Kahan concert brought up and how life as a homeowner is starting out. We get iconic voicemails that are Absolutely Not going to disappoint. Episode Sponsors: Visit hillhousehome.com and use code absolutely at checkout for 20% off your first purchase. Give your skin the affordable, luxurious glow up it deserves. Go to Naturium.com/ABSOLUTELY fo…
Forecast: Hot Takes!
Ep 395 · Jul 22, 2026 · 1 hr 10 min
On this episode, Heather is on a tear after some heated meetings as well as cancelled flights. While she had to miss the World Cup due to her own flight being canceled, she is here to teach everyone about flight etiquette. She chats about critics of The Odyssey, Lindsey Graham’s ladybugs, and how Jeff is turning off every light now that they are homeowners. Heather takes on the voicemails and reminds everyone that we got this. Episode Sponsors: Go to Quince.com/absolutely for f…
Throwback: No Snackin’ in the Back
Ep 394 · Jul 20, 2026 · 1 hr 24 min
On this replay episode from November 2, 2022 Heather is back from taping her first special, Son I Never Had, in Lexington, Kentucky. She is full of gratitude as well as adrenaline after filming. Son I Never Had is now available to stream on Hulu and to watch for free on Youtube! Episode Sponsors: Head to TryFirstleaf.com/absolutely to sign up and you'll get fifty percent off your first box PLUS free shipping for an entire year. Visit OliveandJune.com/ABSOLUTELY20 for 20% off yo…
Pitbull & Miss Worldwide
Ep 393 · Jul 15, 2026 · 1 hr 11 min
On this episode, Heather is back from one of the most insane weekends of her life. Manifested so hard that she ended up in Hyde Park with Pitbull breaking a world record for most bald caps! She chats about how emotional it was to see the Bald-es as well as meeting Armando. She also details the rest of the weekend in London from Wimbledon to Kesha. Be sure to watch Youtube for an exclusive surprise Episode Sponsors: Download the Bilt app and join the membership for where you live, at joinbi…
Heavy Flow in Portofino
Ep 392 · Jul 8, 2026 · 1 hr 10 min
On this episode, Heather is back from Europe and shares the highs, lows, and heavy flows of her anniversary vacation including the story of finally securing The Bag in Paris. She explains why sometimes you just have to do it for the plot and how a decade of dressing as Pitbull led to a surreal full-circle moment. Episode Sponsors: Make your summer wardrobe feel easier. Go to Quince.com/absolutely for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. Head to htt…
Memories with James Abrahart
Ep 391 · Jul 1, 2026 · 1 hr 9 min
On this episode, Heather is in LA and brings one of her oldest friends from childhood, James Abrahart to the pod. JHart is an award winning music producer, singer and reality star. Their lore starts in James’ parents basement where they used to create rap albums and eat way too many Pubsubs. They chat about their wild childhood neighbors of Whitney Houston and T-Boz, as well as them being the first “Lonely Island”. His new single, Memories, is out now. Episode Sponsors: Visit www.vivre…
Replay: No Passport, No Problem
Ep 390 · Jun 26, 2026 · 1 hr 1 min
On this replay episode from June 15, 2022 she is getting ready for her wedding in Italy, and fast forward to 2026 her and Jeff are on their way to Florence for their anniversary. You’ll hear Heather have a mental breakdown from the complete shitshow that has been her wedding prep. You’ll see that she has turned into one of THOSE brides and is ready to tell everyone to fuck off all while losing brain cells in her sauna bag in the basement. Not much has changed! Episode Sponsors: Join th…
American Tourist
Ep 389 · Jun 24, 2026 · 1 hr 4 min
On this episode, Heather is coming to you all live from a fabulous hotel in Florence, Italy where she and Jeff are celebrating their wedding anniversary. She starts off the pod chatting about her big move without one very important person- Robin. Heather chats about how Off Campus has changed her brain chemistry. She brings us up to speed about her first days of travel to Italy and how American tourists can achieve il dolce far niente. Episode Sponsors: Go to Quince.com/absolutely for free…
Di-ancé with Rosebud Baker
Ep 388 · Jun 17, 2026 · 55 min
On this episode, Heather welcomes Rosebud Baker back to the podcast. Rosebud has been busy since the last cruise. She now has a 2 year old daughter, is getting divorced and even had time to write a book! Fully Baked is a memoir that tackles family tragedy, motherhood, addiction all with honesty and humor. She also chats about her time and her departure from SNL. Episode Sponsors: For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and fre…
Have What It Takes with Sharon McMahon
Ep 387 · Jun 12, 2026 · 38 min
On this bonus episode, Heather continues her conversation with Sharon McMahon, covering a hypothetical run for office, a special tribute in Heather's act, and the story behind the “I Love Sharon McMahon” billboards. Episode Sponsors: Give your skin the affordable, luxurious glow up it deserves. Go to Naturium.com/ABSOLUTELY for 10% off your first purchase today. Shop at Sephora or get 10% off your first purchase at k18hair.com with code HEATHER. This year, give Dad a gift that captures who he re…
WTF Government with Sharon McMahon
Ep 386 · Jun 10, 2026 · 52 min
On this episode, Heather welcomes America’s government teacher, Sharon McMahon. They chat about their shared last name, lake life in Minnesota, and of course WTF is going on with our country and government. Sharon breaks Heather’s questions down in a way that anyone with extreme ADHD can understand. Episode Sponsors: Visit www.vivrelle.com and use code ABSOLUTELY for your first month free. Support your gut health and overall performance with Momentous’ Fiber+ and get up to 35% off your ent…
Know The Assignment
Ep 385 · Jun 3, 2026 · 1 hr 12 min
On this episode, Heather is back in ATL after shooting her 3rd special in Knoxville, TN. She chats about the crazy audience members, going through a McDonalds drive-thru, how she was booking a vacation while she should’ve been concentrating on her special. It’s been a long weekend, and the next few days she will be kicking her heels up. She takes on some of the most unhinged voicemails to date and is beginning to think her hotline number is definitely in a Pilot gas station bathroom stall. Episo…
Tour Trials & Tribulations with Andrew Collin, Raymond Padilla and Christina Tompkins
Ep 384 · May 27, 2026 · 1 hr 8 min
On this episode, Heather brings the road dogs to the studio to give us all an in-depth recap of tour life. Andrew, Raymond, Christina and Heather reminisce about their favorite cities, toughest shows, the origin of Texas Tony and someone's reliance on Recticare. Episode Sponsors: Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to Quince.com/absolutely for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Get 15% off Branch Basics with the code ABSOLUTELY at https://branchbasics.…
Bonus: Conspiracy Theory Hot Takes
Ep 383 · May 22, 2026 · 41 min
On this bonus episode, Heather is excited to chat about conspiracy theories. Last week we gave you a prompt about your favorite theories. We spiral on the missing scientists, data centers, lost planes, the moon landing, the Antarctic ice wall and finding love with aliens. Episode Sponsors: Help protect your home systems – and your wallet – with HomeServe against covered repairs. Plans start at just $4.99 a month. Go to HomeServe.com to find the plan that’s right for you. Not available everywhere…
F*ck Yo Couch
Ep 382 · May 20, 2026 · 50 min
On this episode, Heather is coming to you from the new NYC Dear Media studios. Fresh off the heels of Netflix is a Joke, she has some explaining to do about her show in LA. She got to see friends and foes alike! We get voicemails from women buying $20 panties and girlies having a cruise reunion at the special taping. Episode Sponsors: Head to https://www.squarespace.com/absolutely to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code absolutely. For a limited time, Nutrafol…
Ole Miss Divas with Jay Jurden
Ep 381 · May 13, 2026 · 1 hr 11 min
On this episode Heather brings hilarious comedian and friend Jay Jurden to the pod. Jay and Heather go all the way back to the undergrad theatre department at Ole Miss. They reminisce about their hate for Lane Kiffin, being a theatre major together and how their paths lead them to Netflix is a Joke festival. You can catch Jay’s latest special, Yes Ma’am, on Hulu. Episode Sponsors: Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to Quince.com/absolutely for free ship…
Replay: Life's a Sprint
Ep 380 · May 8, 2026 · 1 hr 9 min
On this replay episode, Heather tells us what really happened at Netflix is a Joke in 2024. She gives a full recap of her time in Golden state and spills the tea from the comedy shows, after parties and more! She opens up about how her life has felt like a sprint and she just made it through the finish line, yet feels hungry for more. She also answers some of the best Absolutely Not's and Yes's we've had to date! Episode Sponsors: Shop at Sephora or get 10% off your first purchase at k18hair.com…
Mean but True with Suzanne Lambert
Ep 379 · May 6, 2026 · 1 hr 2 min
On this episode, Heather welcomes Suzanne Lambert to the podcast to chat about all things growing up in Georgia, the drama of politics and spray tans. The commiserate about sorority life, hotties in the senate, and Connecticut Karen’s. Episode Sponsors: Head to https://www.squarespace.com/absolutely to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code absolutely. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shippin…
We’ll Cry In June
Ep 378 · Apr 29, 2026 · 1 hr 16 min
On this episode, Heather is in full overstimulation mode as she juggles work chaos, no WiFi, and a rogue bird. She explains why “we’ll cry in June” has become her current life motto and is ready to launch a full investigation into the missing scientists. She then gets to your calls about birth conspiracies, offline shopping problems, and frat formals. Episode Sponsors: Head to Biologica.com/ABSOLUTELY to take their Quick Hormonal Life Stage Quiz to find the formula that’s right for you. And righ…
Alternative Experiences
Ep 377 · Apr 22, 2026 · 1 hr 10 min
On this episode, Heather is back from her unreal show at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. She chats about the afterparty on Broadway where she was pouring lemondrop shots for the girls where she is brought back to her days behind the sticks. After having a conspiracy dinner in the Turks, she came home to binge watch multiple documentaries. She takes voicemails from people with a workplace crush, a weird request from an uber driver, and someone looking for alternative ex…
Trying Consistency
Ep 376 · Apr 15, 2026 · 1 hr 1 min
On this episode, Heather is down in the basement and going through a lot right now. Her fat kneecap is fat, but a visit to the Dr.’s office leads to hearing a missing puzzle piece about her Dad. She also chats about the Buff City Soap mafia coming for her. We hear voicemails from one of our Love on the Spectrum favorites, a mom debating about using her kid on TikTok and a royal family hater. Episode Sponsors: Save 20% Off Honeylove by going to honeylove.com/ABSOLUTELY! #honeylo…
Replay: Master Scammers Part 2 with Raymond Padilla
Ep 375 · Apr 10, 2026 · 53 min
In honor of Masters Week, we are replaying a 2023 episode where we join Heather as she sits down with the ultimate scammer, Raymond. We discuss how they scammed their way into the Masters tournament, yet again. It is an in-depth observation into the golf world that rarely few people get to see. They get into just how much merch they bought, how swollen their feet were and how many azaleas they really drank! Episode Sponsors: Yasso awarded as product coupons. No purch necessary. Open to 50…
Big Bold Bitches with Becky Robinson
Ep 374 · Apr 8, 2026 · 1 hr 3 min
On this episode, Heather welcomes Becky Robinson back to the podcast studio after breaking the hard news that Becky cannot join us on the Absolutely Knot Cruise 2.0. They chat about the happy memories from the cruise. Becky lets us know how she lets loose when she comes home from the road. Episode Sponsors: When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/absolutely. Refresh your spring wardrobe with Quince. Go to Quince.com/absolutely for free ship…
Spring Break Guardian Angels
Ep 373 · Apr 1, 2026 · 1 hr 16 min
On this episode, Heather is at the LA studio and welcoming her first live callers! These hussies really bring some wild spring break Absolutely Not’s to Heather and we are forever changed! We have callers that were down at the Villages, on a hetero bachelor party in Baltimore, wheelin’ and dealin’ in Daytona as a newly crowned amateur stripper, a near miss on girls gone wild Gen Xer and someone who voluntarily went on a Greyhound for over 24 hours. Episode Sponsors: Join the loyalty program…
Bonus: Arigato Gozaimasu with Jeff Daniels
Ep 372 · Mar 27, 2026 · 60 min
On this episode, Heather welcomes Jeff to the studio to discuss all things Japan! They go through their wagyu dinner reservations, baseball with Ohtani, treats from 7-11 and overall Japanese culture. They give you everything you need to know before heading over to Japan for the first time. Episode Sponsors: Find Kahlúa Dunkin Caramel Swirl at retailers nationwide, including Walmart, Total Wine, Albertsons, Kroger, Ralphs, Safeway, BevMo, Publix, and more. Must be 21 or older to purchase. P…
Blonde Blindness
Ep 371 · Mar 25, 2026 · 1 hr 3 min
On this episode, Heather is back in Robin's Basement and ready to take on the chaos of the week. She has some exciting news about an upcoming live voicemails episode- make sure to take notes on how you can be chosen to chat with Heather. She has fresh highlights, lashes and is contemplating how a government shuts down. She chats about life as a tee ball mom as well as her newest internet troll. Episode Sponsors: Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to Quince.com/absolute…
Consciously Unconscious
Ep 370 · Mar 19, 2026 · 1 hr 12 min
On this episode, Heather is back from Japan and has already put on her Nurse Ratchet outfit. There is no rest yet, she has to now take care of a toddler, figure out what to do with a frozen Christmas ham and get a surgery scheduled. She takes on voicemails about the origins of tiramisu and men holding their own baby showers. Episode Sponsors: Head to https://www.squarespace.com/absolutely to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code absolutely. Caraway’…
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