Personal history -- of alcohol and cocktails -- The beginnings: before and after Signor Martini -- Tools of the craft -- The essentials -- Blithe spirit of the dry martini -- gin -- Italy's gift to the world's dry martinians -- vermouth -- Interlude: Boswell on booze -- In search of an ideal: martini facts and folklore -- The mutations: the sound and the outlandish -- International scene -- Thought for food -- Interlude: Alice at it again -- Fantastical martinis -- Cautionary and curative -- Fun and games: dry martini jokelore.